Found

...a girl who came to her senses and wanted to come home where she belongs!

And as she started her first day back at school this morning, I am thankful.

    We continue to need prayer but I still believe that God can and will make all things new. :)

What they see

I put my camera in the hands of my boys today. What is it they find beautiful? I don't know why I'm surprised at what intrigues their individual soul. A true reflection of their personalities...

Seems Cooper likes that which grows wild and free!

                                                            

And Justin likes that which runs deep, is strong, and stands alone. The road less traveled...

                                           

 As we go along I remind them of how God created everything and if we open our eyes to see the beauty, we'll notice it's already been framed up. And we are smack dab in the middle of every beautiful canvas...

And everything is a gift from God

 with his personal signature on every magnificent piece!

• post inspired by Ann Voskamp                                                                                                  

What's next?

Thank God every morning when you get up, that you have something to do that day which must be done… ~Charles Kingsley

This is what I grasp for this morning...something that must be done. I find myself on most days spending my time searching for something that MUST be done besides laundry, dishes, or vacuuming. I mean isn't there something more important than this that I need to tend to?

I grasp for time passed, 4 or 5 years ago back to a time when we were all together. But time once laid down can not rise again. It is the one impossible. And I am struggling to find ways to fill my time so I live a life with no regret.

Time is the only infinite... but once gone, it's gone.

It is Time

Dear Dallas,
I hope that somehow your eyes feast upon these lines and that you read them over and over and over. This is my heart. I've spent days wondering why things happened as they have questioning God, "Why us?"

I'm not asking him that anymore. I'm letting my mind lead the rest of me now.

I pull out my journal from years back and this is what I read. "I am so excited. We just found out that Dallas asked Jesus into her heart at Awana's last Wed. January 16, 2002. What a great day! Thank you Lord- You are so awesome. Lord, I ask that you might keep at Dallas' heart as she grows so that you might grow in her. She needs to know that she is saved. I pray that she will always listen and obey you. Lord you are mighty and you never cease to amaze me. It is so wonderful to know there is a God and to have a relationship with you. I have faith in you Lord that you can do wonderous miracles. God you are so awesome. My daughter's life has been saved by Jesus. How wonderful are your works! Make me whole in your love. I want nothing more than to know you. I can't seem to express my feelings. It seems no matter what I write or say, it's just not enough. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It's so great to know my daughter will be with you in heaven."

There is no doubt of that in my mind. In fact, 4 or 5 years later, God used you to lead your oldest brother to the Lord. We were sitting on the couch, just the three of us and you started talking to Justin about Jesus and how he died on the cross so that he would be forgiven of all he had done wrong. I jumped in with you and the next thing you know, Justin will be in heaven with us someday too. I can never thank you enough for starting that conversation, as your brother may have not done it at any other time. Do you have any idea how awesome that is? God used you to get someone else to heaven! What a priviledge. You were always so bold about your faith when you were younger. You even got the neighbors praying before their meals, and at school you would pray at the table before lunch where people would join you. Such great boldness!

So right now here in this time we are in, this is how my mind is leading...

You went from our house, a place where God is known, to a place where God is not known. Your Dad has not asked Jesus into his heart. Let me boldly say this to you Dallas, we both know the ONLY way to heaven is to believe that Jesus died on the cross as payment for your sin and that he rose on the third day to prepare a place for those who believe. You might just be the only love of Jesus they see. It is time to get to work my love. It is time to reach deep and find that boldness again. Speak to them about the love of Jesus. Ask them to take you to church. It is time...this may be the only chance to have your dad in heaven with you someday. Right now, nothing else matters but this. It's the least I can do to share you for such a great task. God has plans and they never fail. Please find that voice soon, get the job done so you can come home where you belong. I will pray everyday that you are strong and you find your boldness so your dad and his family have a chance to know the Lord.

You are special. You are chosen.

All my love always,
Mom

He will not delay

A couple of nights ago I spent hours listening to the whirl of the ceiling fan and I cried. Just broken. I started thinking of my girl riding her little motorized 4 wheeler in the backyard with her blonde bouncing curls so many years ago, big smile on her face. And the time her dad (the one that raised her) took the training wheels off her bike and taught her to ride it without them. A lifetime of memories flooded my mind. And as the pillow soaked up my tears I prayed for her and begged God to make me whole again.

The next day the boys and I were running errands, me with my headache from a night of crying and still in a somber mood. That's when God got my attention, just to say "don't forget who I am and what I can do."

We were driving along listening to KLOVE. This song was playing... go ahead and start listening to it if you'd like but you may have to pause the music to the right first.



So we're driving along at 45 mph when a bird starts flying next to my window for a few seconds and then lands on it. He just sits there at 45 mph till we get to our destination where I am able to stop and snap a picture on my camera phone. I'm telling you that bird sat there for 4 blocks staring me right in the eye everytime I looked at it. And this came to mind instantly

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?
Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Luke 12:6-7

And reading this this morning just drove it all home. Something my heart knows full well but my mind forgets...

..."there is nothing you can want, there is nothing you can ask for,

there is nothing you can need in time or in eternity,

there is nothing living, nothing dying,

there is nothing in this world, nothing in the next world,

there is nothing now, nothing at the resurrection-morning,

nothing in heaven

which is not contained in this text —

“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

~Charles Spurgeon

My God did not delay.

The days of glory

These are the glory days. That's what I thought last weekend on the way to Justin's baseball tournament. The sun was dawning as we were coming into downtown Kansas City that morning. The word glory came to mind. I knew right then those boys were gonna win the whole thing. These are the glory days.

They had gone undefeated playing 7 games. I wish you could've been there that day to see the face of every boy. The jumping and whooping, all the hollering. It was a beautiful moment. These are the glory days. That's what my mind keeps thinking.

So they win one of the biggest tournaments there is and the coaches give them a week off. NO BASEBALL! Except for the team trip to watch the Royals play. All the boys sat in the row in front of me. Smiles on their faces, eating nachos, and dancing like crazy just to get on the jumbo tron and they did, several times. And all I could think of while sitting there watching these crazy boys was these are the glory days. Ahhhh to go back and be young again...

Last Day

Woke up this morning, the last day of school here, thinking back to this moment...

The first day of Dallas' freshman year. My, the places it has taken me! Places I never dreamed. I keep thinking about how quickly time is passing by and that this seems like just yesterday. Where did it all go wrong? And as her school year in Colorado winds down on Tuesday all I'm doin' now...praying to God she is bored stiff at her dad's.  :)

It's only one day

I'm sitting here thinking to myself it's only one day. May 23rd, my daughter's 15th birthday.

It was no fun when we went shopping for her. I had a lady working at AE come up to me and ask what I was looking for. Nothing in particular was my response but she kept prodding till I finally told her a gift for my daughter who's turning 15. To make a long story short that is when the experience went down hill.

What I wanted to tell the lady is this, " Could you please just leave me alone. My girl no longer lives with us. She lives with someone who didn't raise her. Someone who has missed birthdays without calling, months with out calling, and many times not even a card was sent. So honestly lady, it would do me good if you'd get out of my face and go help someone who wants it." But I didn't say it. I bit my tongue. No reason to ruin her day.

What was going through my mind was all that I'll miss at this age. Like teaching her to drive and handing over the keys to her first car. Her first date. Helping her get her first job. Taking her to pick out a dress for the school dance. And her friends...I'm missing them too. Her graduation isn't far off with time moving so fast.

Sometimes I even wonder if I'll get to help pick out her wedding dress, though I know that one is a long way off. But most of the time I wonder why God would choose to give us this girl to raise and then at the most crucial time take her away and hand her over to someone who didn't do all the work. I know there is a reason.

It's your birthday and I have to keep telling myself, "It's only one day, just one day in this life on earth. It's just one day." And I thank God that his mercies are new every morning. And I thank God that someday I'll be singing his praises forever. FOREVER. And today is just one day.

I love you Dallas, my first true love. I miss you. Happy 15th birthday.



Pause music to the right first.

A Bud

Neighbors who think I'm worth it deliver this to me. It makes me smile and brightens my day.

But it's this that speaks loud to my heart.

One little flower beginning to burst open in color and I think yes, beauty waits to come alive at just the right time. Somewhere underneath all the mess and darkness, all the tears and pain, beauty does exist. And God's
perfect timing will bring it forth.

My frame was not hidden from you
 when I was made in that secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
 were written in your book
 before one of them came to be.
                       Psalm 139:15-16

God knows the struggle that has come your way and he puts your tears in a bottle and he promises to make all things beautiful.(ECC. 3:11)

Fear Not

I'm amazed a what fear can do to a life. Chokes it out, flames gone, and only smoke rises in the cosmos. And that smoke will disperse too leaving nothing behind. Nothing. Fear flat out turns life into death. There's no hope, no stirring of the soul with fear. And that same fear leads to a life of little opportunity. There is no faith in fear.

That's where I was for a long while...till the day I decided to just say YES! And I'm equally amazed at what one yes can do to a life. Turns it right around. The grass is greener the sky is bluer it's like falling in love. A life can bud right open with one small yes.

Sometimes it's taking that first step, that one yes I'm gonna step out and in, to break that soul wide. Man does it feel good. I suck that air down deep when I'm living the yes. Oh how I know it's that first yes that thrashes and rips at the heart. It's the wrestle you think will do you in. But remember there is someone on your side...

For I am the Lord, your God,
  who takes hold of your right hand,
and says to you, Do not fear;
   I will help you
                       ~ Isaiah 41:13
                            
There is freedom in the yes!

Are you in fear today? of anything? Is it holding you back from saying yes? I challenge you today to take that step of faith, in that one word yes, and believe the doors will be opened for you. Just do it. Just say yes, let the struggle be over, and opportunity will knock on your door.


Heavenly Father, I just pray today for those struggling with yes. That you might crack that door of their heart open just enough for them to see some light. When they say yes Lord, bust down that door and let opportunities fly their way. I know first had how powerful you are God and I'm asking you to show it the lives of those who say yes today. In Jesus' name and all according to your will, Amen.


* If you are reading this today and have decided to say yes, to something big or small, please come back and share it with me. I am praying for you.

Practice Makes Perfect

                                                    
He walks around the dim room searching, looking for warmth of sun. Just a beam of light from the window falls on the floor, but he seeks it out and finds it. Never fails. Dog does it every time. How is it a K-9 can figure out how to find comfort when needed but this simple minded human seems to always forget.

The unfolding of your words gives light;
it gives understanding to the simple.
~ Psalm 119:130

That dog does it over and over again. Why not me?

I've spent the last few years struggling with one problem after another. I'd seek out the Son for a little while trying to find peace or comfort, but when things didn't happen quickly I'd move on. A woman of no patience I am. So I'd sit in my struggles day after day and before I knew it, sitting there was what I did best.

Practices makes perfect, right?

I've come to the conclusion I need to form a habit much like the dog. If I want something I have to go find it, time after time I'll have to get up and go seek out the Son till it becomes my first reaction.


Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.- Matthew 7:7-8 

Keep knocking on the door. Keep seeking out the Son. Keep asking God...and you will find your way. Just don't give up! Be persistent and soon you will not forget where to go. It'll be old habit. Practice makes perfect. Over and over. Time after time.

Heavenly Father, I pray today that I continue to seek you in all circumstances. Help me to not give up when I want to be impatient and help me to keep pushing through. Lord, I know if I could only see the number of times I gave up just before the finish line I would be more diligent to continue to seek you always. Let me look you full in the face. I thank you so much that you were, are, and always will be the same. I am so glad you never change. In Jesus' name and all according to your will, Amen.
 

Building my nest

I turned to look out the window and notice the green leaves breaking forth from tree limbs and I thank God. Even out of the cold dark bowels of earth life bursts forth. It all looks so beautiful against the bright blue sky.

                                                It reminds me that there's nothing God can't do.

And I think if he can do that then he can bring life back to my relationship with my daughter. But first things might have to be cold and dark for awhile. So, in the mean time...

As I'm watching out my window he gives me another reminder. One bird after another flying by with makings for a nest and God is telling me something here.

 While I'm waiting...build my nest. A place of solace and refuge in the storm. My boys need a nest. I think of all the smiles they've brought to my face, all the laughter from my belly since the day in March and I see. We are a family and that's how you get through. Stick together, pray, and build a nest.

                                                          

Finding Joy!

What good is it for a child to have a bitter angry mother? One who sees no joys, no laughter, no fun?
Today I have absolutely nothing on the agenda. The boredom and mundane take flight again. Where is the joy?

Friends call up to see how I am and the answers always different. Today is good but call me tomorrow and you'll get a different answer. I'm about as unsteady as a glass of water teetering on the edge of the counter. Wouldn't it be nice to flow steady like a river?

Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it. ~Proverbs 22:6


Train your children how to find joy. Let them see how giving thanks to God for all things brings joy into the heart.

The fireball in sky rises bright bringing heat. Warmth that feels far away from winter. I think I'll start with that today.

#89...fireball rising in sky
#90...bunnies nestled in grass
#91...tulips that open to the sun
#92...birds perching high on rooftops


Research shows that youth who are ungrateful are “less satisfied with their lives and are more apt to be aggressive and engage in risk-taking behaviors, such as early or frequent promiscuous activities, substance use, poor eating habits, physical inactivity, and poor academic performance.”

Back in 2009 I started teaching this to my kids. Lasting long it did not. I had this book on a table where we could write down our thanks. On 9/26/09 this was my entry- Thank you Lord for the life you have given me. It is so good.

Justin happened to look and saw it, to which he followed suit and wrote this on 9/28/09- Thanks God for the water, land, and creatures. Also, thanks for the 7 days of light and the 7 nights of dark.

That was it folks. That's as far as it went. And I keep thinking if I had been diligent in showing the way of thanks would Dallas still be here with us in our home. Would she have eventually followed along too and found the joy that so many long for?

 Remember above what research says?

I don't want to risk it anymore. I truly believe that giving thanks is the key to finding and experiencing joy. And there is NOTHING on earth I want more for my kids than to have a grateful heart filled with joy. NOTHING MORE. We're coming up with a plan today and I'll be back to share it.

Today begins our journey as a family. The long steady flow of the river...

Living the only way I know how...

It's 8:10 on this Monday morning. What I really want to do is go back to bed and forget that this world exists. Yes, that sounds mighty good to me. Instead I write this because, well because at some point I have to move my feet and I guess today is the chosen day.

As some of you know we have allowed our very soon to be 15 year old daughter to move to her biological father's. That is 14 hours away from me. It was not an easy choice to make but was one that I believe in my heart had to be made.

Thursday will make 1 month since she has been gone and on May 23 she will turn 15, the first birthday I won't get to spend with her.

The first 2 days after she left I spent in bed, sad. I would sit up long enough to play board games with my boys whenever I knew they needed attention but that was about all I got done. Until some very good friends came by to see how I was doing. They had recently lost their daughter/sister. That is to say, lost her till they join her in heaven where there will be no more separation ever again.

I had just gotten out of the shower when they got here and hadn't even made it downstairs yet. I hadn't actually been down there for 2 days. I was slightly embarrassed at how dark and dim the house had been while I tucked away in bed so I went down to push the curtains back with a "let me get some light in here."

I've felt better since their visit. Almost a month has passed since Dallas left. I recall so clearly the hug I gave her as she walked out the door with this mama heart wondering if it would be the last one. I buried my nose in her long thick beautiful hair and inhaled long and deep. She smells so good. And then poof she was gone.

Fourteen years I've raised her. 14. A daily part of my life. The first few days I would think "it's five o'clock, time to go pick her up from track." But, no. No track. No more endless ringing of the phone. No daughter here with me. It's quiet. Very quiet. And I feel like I walk around mechanical because I don't remember how to move. How do I live this life without her here with me?

I know God has a plan for everything. That this too all has a greater purpose, that this had to happen in order for something else to happen.

 Daily I wash my robe, the sin off my skin. ( Revelation 22:12-16)...and I wait.

Writing this- left foot down. Pushing the post button- right foot down. Mechanical?...no. I will live the only way I know how.


"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain , O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
     ISAIAH 40: 25-31

Isn't it all in the name?

 A good name is more desirable than great riches. Proverbs 22:1

...and it's everywhere in this place.

and I remember this too, always...

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12



A good name is better than fine perfume. Ecclesiastes 7:1

And a good name it is. I am so blessed to be a part of this family. Thank you Mr. Kyle Nace for choosing me. You're a good man and that is why I love you. Mr and Mrs...always from this day forward...



Happy 11th Anniversary!!!!!

What to do? What to do?

So I'm sitting here on yet another snow day for my kids wondering what to do. To be honest my first inclination is to lay in bed all day on this computer and watch tv. That would pass the time and require next to no energy. I am getting old, ya know? Wasting away with this time just sitting around.

How much fun is that? How productive is it? Why can't I get motivated to live?

The sun is shining so bright today, setting of sparks of color from every flake of snow. But I don't really know it, see it. The light is coming through drawn curtains. Why are the curtains drawn? It is a beautiful day and the light falls on surfaces whispering to me, "come alive."

The bedroom door is half open with the sound of the dishwasher and a movie flooding in. I hear my oldest talking on the phone. I wonder if I hollered "let's go outside" if they'd drop everything to get ready?

But do I really want to do that? I go downstairs to make my 2nd cup of coffee. I notice how dark the living room is so I go down and open the curtains. Awww, there. More light for today. As I come upstairs I notice I shut my bedroom door behind me, keeping out all the noise of the day. Before I sit I turn to open it back up.

I hear my youngest laughing with his brother as if to say, "it's time to play." My oldest is on youtube and the song she is playing...I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me and I start to think...


It's time to go meet God here. Right here in this place. He is all around. Everything is God beautiful. And it's time to play.

Chapter 6: 1000 Gifts

Ann asks us in this chapter, "What do you want?" The answer is easy for me. It is the same as Ann and I think maybe that is why I enjoy her writing so much, why I got this book. I just knew. We want the same thing. What you want may be a different thing but just take time to figure it out.

So to sum it up I'll just put some things from the book that jumped out at me.

What do I want?

" Lord I want to see." (Luke 18:41) pg.108

And whether I am conscience of it or not, any created thing of which I am amazed, it is the glimpse of His face to which I bow down. Do I have eyes to see it's Him and not the thing?" pg.112

That is what makes us persevere through a life: to see Him who is invisible! pg 115

I long to live all eye.  pg 115 ( This is my prayer, that I live all eye.)

Praying with eyes wide open is the only way to pray without ceasing. pg.121

#34...warm wash clothes
#35...sleepy yawning eyes in the morning
#36...little voices singing

It's all God beautiful, really.

Chapter 5: 1000 Gifts

So here's what I'm taking from this chapter...

Dark days are going to come your way. They have and they will. You want a right relationship with God when those days do come. Listing the ways he loves is a good way to start knowing God.

# 29...sound of wind chimes
#30...the pink in sunset across the sky
#31...smell of charcoal grill

Kyle said to me last night, after reading my list, "I don't get how some of this stuff you see as a gift from God. Like your first one, the sound of Kyle shoveling snow before the sun has risen. I don't see that as a gift. I have to work hard to do that. I hate shoveling snow."

Yes, but you are alive to be able to do it and I am grateful for that. And I don't have to be able to hear the wind chimes, see that pink hue in sunset, or smell that charcoal. At any moment I could go blind or deaf or whatever. Darkness could fall at any moment but for now I get to experience all these things. And I want to thank God for them because they are a gift. God's grace towards me.

Chapter 4: 1000 Gifts

"We are all merely shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing" (Psalm 39:6). pg.65

I actually feel that deep. I can't stand busyness. I don't want to sit around doing nothing but constant motion drives me mad. I love to be still.

Kyle used to come to me and say "on Monday we have these 3 things, on Tuesday we have this, Wed. and Thursday we have to go here and do this, oh and next Friday I'll be out of town for 3 days and you'll have to take care of everything then.

My man is just made that way. He loves to stay busy. It's who he is and I love him. Sometimes on the way to kid's sporting events we'll be in such a hurry even though we leave an extra 30 minutes early. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Fights start, moods change, and right before your eyes...the hurry has emptied our souls. pg.67

Haste makes waste. pg. 66


It makes you feel like there is never enough time. I don't like feeling that way.

I finally told Kyle one day, when he was running down his list of the weeks events, "Stop, I don't want to hear it. Tell me 2 days before you have to leave town. No sooner please and don't list off the events of the week anymore. It stresses me out. I feel the anxiety rise in my cheeks. I need to be all here, right now, not constantly thinking about all that has to be done and that there's not enough time for it all."

And I love this most. The way she writes this. It clicks in the brain. "Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. I'd never considered those to words, the bridge words there in the middle, the crossing over that took the not enough and made it enough.
 Gave thanks... Eucharisteo."

There wasn't enough bread but Jesus took it and gave thanks and by doing so it was made more than enough.

You see, it's happening. Finally, I'm getting it. I am a hunter of beauty and I want to move slow and keep the eyes wide. I hunger to taste life. pg.71


Take this moment. Notice this moment. Give thanks for it. In good times and in bad. And it will be enough.

In my head I know it. See it clear. Slow, taste, give thanks. This precedes the miracle ~ joy.

What is love?

Love is...

#9...dangling red hearts

Love is~ #10...red roses to his love

Love is~ #11...valentine's from school

Love is~ #12...red masking tape roses made for his mama

Love is~ #13...reminders of what to do

Love is~ #14...red heart valentine's made at school displayed high above door frames

Love is~ #15...homemade valentine from his wife that sets on his bedside table







Love is~ #16...words that remind me to slow and see

Love is~ #17...roses from her daddy(the one who raised her)reminding her the true love of a father...a man

Not all love is red, I know.

but...WHAT IS LOVE?

It's right there already highlighted in my husband's Bible.

Do you see it right there in black and white? GOD IS LOVE. And I think it over, and yes, this love is red too. Blood red.

#18...this love hangs

#19...and His love is all around

So look and SEE and count the ways he loves...

(says Ann Voskamp)

@