Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Is This a Midlife Crisis?

I have spent the last 10 plus years being a stay at home mom taking care of the kids and the house. My youngest is now in second grade. I recall when he first started kindergarten the elation, the oh man I'm gonna have all this time to do whatever I want, and I did. His first grade year rolled around and towards the middle of it I began to struggle. Now, just one month into his second grade, I sit here and wonder what I have become. Because really there are only so many times you can mop a floor and only so many loads of laundry you can do in a day. What has become of me?

I was a nurse before I quit to stay home all those years ago. Now I feel like I have nothing. NOTHING. No job to occupy my time, no kids to take care of all day, and I don't even have a clue who I am anymore. I feel like I gave it all up all those years ago and for what?

I, a very strong willed woman, have become dependent on a man. I text my 17 year old daughter yesterday, who is also very strong willed, and told her to keep trucking away at school and don't ever give up what you want and don't ever and I mean EVER become dependent on a man. She never responded. I wonder what she thinks of that.

I have been a lost lost soul. When I stop the pity long enough I realize my life has been exactly as I chose it to be. Every step and every decision I made for myself and it's time to take responsibility for it. It's not fair to my husband to have a sullen ticked off ungrateful wife who thinks she gave it all up just to take care of his kids. While he works away to provide I sit pissed off because I'm stuck with nothing. My heart has been overflowing with anger and I have to say I am sorry to the man who has provided me the privilege of watching my kids grow up and being there when they've gotten off the bus.

I am sorry. This is not your fault. We are a team.

I have surrounded myself with asking Why? What? How? Where do I go from here? for so long I never stopped long enough to make a move.

Today I took the first step into the next chapter of my life. I was born to help people. PERIOD. That is what God made me for. And I can not wait CAN NOT WAIT to see what He has in store for me. I can't wait to build relationships with people I don't even know yet. Because truly that's what life is all about right? Relationships.

I am so full of excitement to start this new journey! Who knew all I had to do was just take the first step?

Is there something you have been struggling with? Do you need to just take that first step into the next chapter of your life? Make that move! Stop that struggle!