Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Building my nest

I turned to look out the window and notice the green leaves breaking forth from tree limbs and I thank God. Even out of the cold dark bowels of earth life bursts forth. It all looks so beautiful against the bright blue sky.

                                                It reminds me that there's nothing God can't do.

And I think if he can do that then he can bring life back to my relationship with my daughter. But first things might have to be cold and dark for awhile. So, in the mean time...

As I'm watching out my window he gives me another reminder. One bird after another flying by with makings for a nest and God is telling me something here.

 While I'm my nest. A place of solace and refuge in the storm. My boys need a nest. I think of all the smiles they've brought to my face, all the laughter from my belly since the day in March and I see. We are a family and that's how you get through. Stick together, pray, and build a nest.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Finding Joy!

What good is it for a child to have a bitter angry mother? One who sees no joys, no laughter, no fun?
Today I have absolutely nothing on the agenda. The boredom and mundane take flight again. Where is the joy?

Friends call up to see how I am and the answers always different. Today is good but call me tomorrow and you'll get a different answer. I'm about as unsteady as a glass of water teetering on the edge of the counter. Wouldn't it be nice to flow steady like a river?

Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it. ~Proverbs 22:6

Train your children how to find joy. Let them see how giving thanks to God for all things brings joy into the heart.

The fireball in sky rises bright bringing heat. Warmth that feels far away from winter. I think I'll start with that today.

#89...fireball rising in sky
#90...bunnies nestled in grass
#91...tulips that open to the sun
#92...birds perching high on rooftops

Research shows that youth who are ungrateful are “less satisfied with their lives and are more apt to be aggressive and engage in risk-taking behaviors, such as early or frequent promiscuous activities, substance use, poor eating habits, physical inactivity, and poor academic performance.”

Back in 2009 I started teaching this to my kids. Lasting long it did not. I had this book on a table where we could write down our thanks. On 9/26/09 this was my entry- Thank you Lord for the life you have given me. It is so good.

Justin happened to look and saw it, to which he followed suit and wrote this on 9/28/09- Thanks God for the water, land, and creatures. Also, thanks for the 7 days of light and the 7 nights of dark.

That was it folks. That's as far as it went. And I keep thinking if I had been diligent in showing the way of thanks would Dallas still be here with us in our home. Would she have eventually followed along too and found the joy that so many long for?

 Remember above what research says?

I don't want to risk it anymore. I truly believe that giving thanks is the key to finding and experiencing joy. And there is NOTHING on earth I want more for my kids than to have a grateful heart filled with joy. NOTHING MORE. We're coming up with a plan today and I'll be back to share it.

Today begins our journey as a family. The long steady flow of the river...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Living the only way I know how...

It's 8:10 on this Monday morning. What I really want to do is go back to bed and forget that this world exists. Yes, that sounds mighty good to me. Instead I write this because, well because at some point I have to move my feet and I guess today is the chosen day.

As some of you know we have allowed our very soon to be 15 year old daughter to move to her biological father's. That is 14 hours away from me. It was not an easy choice to make but was one that I believe in my heart had to be made.

Thursday will make 1 month since she has been gone and on May 23 she will turn 15, the first birthday I won't get to spend with her.

The first 2 days after she left I spent in bed, sad. I would sit up long enough to play board games with my boys whenever I knew they needed attention but that was about all I got done. Until some very good friends came by to see how I was doing. They had recently lost their daughter/sister. That is to say, lost her till they join her in heaven where there will be no more separation ever again.

I had just gotten out of the shower when they got here and hadn't even made it downstairs yet. I hadn't actually been down there for 2 days. I was slightly embarrassed at how dark and dim the house had been while I tucked away in bed so I went down to push the curtains back with a "let me get some light in here."

I've felt better since their visit. Almost a month has passed since Dallas left. I recall so clearly the hug I gave her as she walked out the door with this mama heart wondering if it would be the last one. I buried my nose in her long thick beautiful hair and inhaled long and deep. She smells so good. And then poof she was gone.

Fourteen years I've raised her. 14. A daily part of my life. The first few days I would think "it's five o'clock, time to go pick her up from track." But, no. No track. No more endless ringing of the phone. No daughter here with me. It's quiet. Very quiet. And I feel like I walk around mechanical because I don't remember how to move. How do I live this life without her here with me?

I know God has a plan for everything. That this too all has a greater purpose, that this had to happen in order for something else to happen.

 Daily I wash my robe, the sin off my skin. ( Revelation 22:12-16)...and I wait.

Writing this- left foot down. Pushing the post button- right foot down. Mechanical? I will live the only way I know how.

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain , O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
     ISAIAH 40: 25-31