Monday, April 4, 2011

Living the only way I know how...

It's 8:10 on this Monday morning. What I really want to do is go back to bed and forget that this world exists. Yes, that sounds mighty good to me. Instead I write this because, well because at some point I have to move my feet and I guess today is the chosen day.

As some of you know we have allowed our very soon to be 15 year old daughter to move to her biological father's. That is 14 hours away from me. It was not an easy choice to make but was one that I believe in my heart had to be made.

Thursday will make 1 month since she has been gone and on May 23 she will turn 15, the first birthday I won't get to spend with her.

The first 2 days after she left I spent in bed, sad. I would sit up long enough to play board games with my boys whenever I knew they needed attention but that was about all I got done. Until some very good friends came by to see how I was doing. They had recently lost their daughter/sister. That is to say, lost her till they join her in heaven where there will be no more separation ever again.

I had just gotten out of the shower when they got here and hadn't even made it downstairs yet. I hadn't actually been down there for 2 days. I was slightly embarrassed at how dark and dim the house had been while I tucked away in bed so I went down to push the curtains back with a "let me get some light in here."

I've felt better since their visit. Almost a month has passed since Dallas left. I recall so clearly the hug I gave her as she walked out the door with this mama heart wondering if it would be the last one. I buried my nose in her long thick beautiful hair and inhaled long and deep. She smells so good. And then poof she was gone.

Fourteen years I've raised her. 14. A daily part of my life. The first few days I would think "it's five o'clock, time to go pick her up from track." But, no. No track. No more endless ringing of the phone. No daughter here with me. It's quiet. Very quiet. And I feel like I walk around mechanical because I don't remember how to move. How do I live this life without her here with me?

I know God has a plan for everything. That this too all has a greater purpose, that this had to happen in order for something else to happen.

 Daily I wash my robe, the sin off my skin. ( Revelation 22:12-16)...and I wait.

Writing this- left foot down. Pushing the post button- right foot down. Mechanical? I will live the only way I know how.

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain , O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
     ISAIAH 40: 25-31


Millie said...

Love you Cheri. I know your pain. I wish I could smell Jessica's hair again. You will smell Dallas's again on this earth and I will smell Jessica's in Heaven. A mother's loveis strong and everlasting. It is what we do. We never give up. There were times when Jessica was growing up I didn't like her much, but I always loved her. Our daughers are a part of us because they came from us. Our love for them will never end, regardless of the here and now. God loves you and is there every step of the way.

Joanne@ Blessed... said...


I stopped by and don't even know why. I happened to see your pretty face on a comment over on my blog a few years ago.

This post tugged at my mama-heart. Wish I could give you some comfort. My sisterinlaw moved in with her dad when she was a young teenager. It took a few years, but now as an adult she is closer to her mother. The years apart weren't easy, but necessary.

I heard a great saying, "Talk to your young children about God and talk to God about your older children."

He is listening. He has heard every painful "Why?" and seen every tear. Hang in there. You will come forth as gold - both of you will.

Cheri said...

Thank you Millie. I love you.